CITIZENS, VOTERS, PATRIOTS, a serious legal problem has been brought to the attention of the responsible authorities. But, not to fear, the problem has been properly addressed by those duly appointed officials who are best suited to resolve the difficulties. Firm measures have been taken to curb the unlawful, dangerous, and menacing actions of lawbreakers who threaten the safety and security of the obedient, loyal, law-abiding Americans.
The problem I refer to, as those of you who have filed complaints may already have guessed, concerns those individuals who have deliberately and with malice aforethought, chosen to break the duly posted and promulgated speed limit while riding their all-terrain bicycles on various mountain trails. Why, just two months ago, a Mr. Herkimer Q. Herkimerheimer, an elderly retired banker, was pedaling along the lower alpine trail, adjacent to his summer cottage, in his new ten-speed bicycle--well within the legal speed limit--when two speeding reckless juveniles, riding abreast on the trail (and probably drag-racing), caromed into him, dislodging him from his seat and severely denting his bicycle's front fender. Fortunately, Mr. Herkimerheimer wasn't injured, but the bill for repairing the fender amounted to $79.85.
Well, taxpayers, rest assured that such anarchy will not be tolerated within the confines of our proud nation. As those of you who viewed the recent TV news program reporting on this problem are now aware, appropriate law and order measures are now in effect to curb this spate of speed-limit defiance. Would-be violators, those of you who would transgress--BEWARE--the Park Police are now equipped with new twelve-speed bicycles, each fitted with the latest attached and detachable, hand-held, instant read-out, radar unit. And when not on trail patrol, the officer can monitor the traffic from any convenient trailside bush--all in the spirit of protecting the public, of course. Naturally, the good taxpayers will realize that the $75,342.00 cost per radar unit and the $4,870.00 spent for each bicycle are necessary, if not vital, expenditures.
Unfortunately, another serious problem menacing the welfare of the citizens of Carbondale, Illinois, has not been rectified. I'm saddened to report that the recently proposed prophylactic measure to curb the excesses of a few irresponsible Southern Illinois University students was not enacted by the City Council. This vital proposal would have mandated that every keg of beer purchased within the city limits of Carbondale by those under a specified age (the age of those prone to intemperate tippling) be registered at the place of purchase with the keg serial number recorded, along with its destination, time of purchase, mode of movement, and full particulars of those completing the transaction. As everyone knows, at present, these unregistered kegs of beer can be passed on from party to party with everyone imbibing unknown, unregulated quantities of alcohol, leading to calamitous results. Well, loyal, true-blue supporters of our democratic society, I think we all agree that such intemperate endangerment of the sane and sober majority's safety cannot be tolerated. Therefore, if all earnest readers of this plea for sobriety will write the Carbondale City Council urging them to reconsider this measure, then, at their next scheduled meeting, I'm sure that they will reverse their prior misguided decision.
But in our president's "war on drugs" campaign, progress has been reported. Due to the mass media blitz, more and more children are courageously coming forth and denouncing their parents and other relations for drug possession. We need more of this: these despicable dopesters should find no safe haven in the safety of their own homes. When these youthful, future voters are then prominently featured on TV and lauded for their noble informing, it encourages others to follow suit, thus preparing them for their role as moral leaders of our great republic. Of course, there's always a few nay-sayers who claim that such actions smack of the communist tactic of requiring children to report their parents' politically unorthodox conduct. (Remember the news reports of the 1950s?) But such nay-sayers--or, who knows, under-cover communists--obviously don't understand the importance of extending the anti-drug program from the "neighborhood watch" program to that of a "parent-watch" program.
Additionally, it is hoped that the necessary funds will be appropriated to expand the high school locker searches by trained dope-sniffing dogs to also include the grade schools. There's undoubtedly vast quantities of dope hidden there. Surprise searches have already uncovered marijuana, and in some cases, where nothing was found, strip-searches were successfully utilized. In Florida, lie-detector tests were administered, uncovering not drugs, but a stolen ten-dollar bill. Thus, the validity of these searches are incontrovertibly proven.
However, I am happy to report that a few miles southeast of Carbondale, at the United States Penitentiary the situation is in firm control...After the 1983 lockdown, vigilant professional prison administrators, after soberly and dispassionately contemplating the possibilities presented by allowing the officially labeled "worst of the bad" devious desperados confined in our country's supermax prison to have access to plastic soda bottles have now banned them. And well they might--who knows what riot, revolution, wreck and ruin might otherwise result. Furthermore, the sugared and colorfully dyed water replacements sold as fruit drinks are plenty good enough for those reject specimens anyway.
Other troublesome security concerns were also remedied by Marion's masters. It was discovered that some of the "jailhouse lawyers" were actually taking their legal materials with them when they consulted with their lawyers in the visiting room which were stapled together! Now obviously, as any penologist knows, that cannot be allowed. (Or, give 'em an inch and they'll take a mile.) But not to worry, no more: a written rule and regulation was issued prohibiting staples in all legal documents taken to legal visits.
Another grave breach of security, order and discipline was also discovered. Visitors to the prison were actually talking to each other while within the confines of the institution. Of course, it takes but little imagination to wonder what that might lead to! But now, a new rule--strictly enforced--bans conversation between visitors inside the prison.
I'm sure that all genuine patriotic supporters of our government wouldn't object to being fingerprinted before being allowed to visit their relations in Marion. Knowing this obvious fact to be true, Marion officials purchased the newest state of the art, high tech, automated fingerprint identification machine to positively identity any visitor's prints with prints stored in the machine before admitting them. But before they could fully implement the program, wouldn't you know it, they were threatened with a lawsuit (by some undoubtedly subversive left-wing organization that had something to hide), and they then modified the schedule to only verify the prints of the vendor who services the various guards' dispenser machines. So if any foreign element of say, the Abu Nidal sort, have been lurking about the premises hoping to impersonate the vendor and surreptitiously slip into Marion, forget it: Fearless Fosdict himself couldn't outfox this modern technology.
Also, I'm pleased to report that, with the inauguration of the new dress-code for female visitors, requiring modest and prudent attire, there hasn't been a single case of any lewd and lascivious, debauched, lust-crazed convict being dragged panting and puffing in a frenzied state of sexual excitation from the visiting room while viewing his visitor through the plastic barrier. There weren't any such cases reported before this policy went into effect, but never mind, there might have been. Furthermore, I'm sure that Jerry Falwell and Reverend Wildmon would agree that the new dress-code will prevent illicit fantasies from speeding into a convict's consciouness.
To conclude, I believe it's safe to say that with policies in effect as outlined herein, our great nation, land of the free and home of the brave, governed wisely by its freely elected officials, freedom and democracy and the American Way shall continue to flourish forevermore. Semper Fi.
Note: Cops are using hand-held radar units to catch bicycle speeders on mountain trails (as reported on a TV news program). Carbondale officials did consider registering beer keg serial numbers. Children are lauded on TV for snitching on their parents; the 1950s news reports did criticize the communists for this. Dope dogs, strip-searches, and lie detectors are used as stated. And yes, the masters of Marion are engaging in such administrations of just-us as partially satirized herein. Did V.V. Roe, pamphleteer of the 1970s have it correct when he stated that the U.S. is in its immediate pre-fascist stage?
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